perception per·cep·tion (pər-sěp'shən) n.

1. The process, act, or faculty of perceiving.

2. Recognition and interpretation of sensory stimuli based chiefly on memory.

   
   

   Albert Einstein once said, that which we know as 'common sense' is the culmination of all the prejudices we acquire by age 18. I've physically turned 18 just over a week ago. I don't feel much more sensible.

   

   In fact, I feel dumber and dumber every day. I won't try to hide it. There may have been a time when I thought myself slightly superior in the cognitive area to ...most of my peers, attributed in no small part to being labelled as a 'genius' sometimes. Mostly by relatives. Aunties. Friends of my mother. Or easily impressed kids who don't know the difference between, say, a professional pianist, and an imitation quack banging on the keyboard.

   Yet some part of it was my own hard work, wasn't it? Because I know that mental instability is something I cannot control. So I know, i have to work doubly hard, to catch up to the 'normal' kids.

   Mathematically speaking I was a dud. Teachers simply did not understand that it takes immense -immense- effort for my mind to process numbers, and assumed I was being lazy, and creating excuses for myself. In truth, although I haven't been officially diagnosed, I know that I am numerically dyslexic. I've read about it. It just obvious. I mean, If I'm not paying attention, I won't be able to tell you the sum of 5 x 5.

   The only reason I got through the 'O' levels was due to my near-photographic memory. I just kept doing the 10-year series over and over and prayed that similar questions would come out. They did. I got an 'A2'. That was one chapter closed.

   I do know that 111,111 x 111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

   and 1+2+3+4+5..... +100 = 5050.

   I did not look those up on the internet. They're just embedded in my head. Don't believe me? Reach for your calculator.

   

   
   

   Oh, yes, where was I?

   I've digressed.

   Basically, the entire illusion of being 'smart' or a 'genius' (Not by my own definition, I assure you.) was based on this delicate balance inside my head. If I manage to keep my cool, I have my sanity. To cut to the chase, I need to be in perfect control of my emotions.

   I did not anticipate that a single person would be able to tear all of that down.

   I was stupid enough to think that I'm over it. Loyalty. My strongest quality. Also my biggest weakness.

   Yet, I didn't expect the pain the hit so hard when I heard that. I had to repeat the mantra 'You are in a public place. You are standing in a public place' over and over to keep from breaking down. On the verge of biting my hand even.

   I know. I'm not an idiot. I know what you've been saying behind my back. I also know how people think I am overreacting. Its a rejection, get over it? Countless people have been rejected, their lives still go on, so stop whining and crying.

   Did you know? Some scientists argue that life probably wouldn't exist close enough to our planet that extraterrestrials could visit without a trip spanning .... many many lifetimes.

   And with good reason.

   See, for life on Earth as we know it to exist, Earth had to be juuuussttt the perfect distance away from the Sun, for one.

   Secondly, water exists in liquid form solely on Earth, and nowhere else in our solar system.

   Thirdly, the Earth is slightly tilted. It is not upright, as you might think, and its been tilting this way for billions of years, because if the axis were to shift by just 1%... the planet would be uninhabitable, because the equator would be too hot, and the poles would be too cold.

   I'm an incomplete savant. You know what a savant is? A retard. One who can't do anything else except for one thing which they can do perfectly. Such as painting. Or a perfectly photographic memory. What I can do is copy things. Monkey see monkey do. Nothing original. Just like the sharingan. Yes, they like to laugh at me for imitating animes. Speaking Japanese. What can i do?

   Monkey See. Monkey Do.

   Suddenly I am a triathlete. A lifesaver. A canoeist. Adding on to being a dancer. Pianist. Artist. Basketballer. Swimmer. Gamer. Otaku. Techie. I can't remember everything that I am anymore. I only know what I am not.

   I'm not real.

   But one thing that's real now - The people in my life.

   

   

   (Sorry if you're not here, but you know you're in the general group, ok?)

   I don't want to lose them. No, its more than that. I need to keep them. But I can't let them see what the real me is like. I know, I'm risking a lot just by writing this much on the blog already. I know some people will read it. But all the same, i needed somewhere to let it out. Even if they know about it, as long as they don't see it, it should be fine.

   I need to regain the balance in my head. If it were only a matter of a mere rejection, or even a breakup, or being stabbed in the back (oops), it wouldn't be so severe as this- getting caught so off guard that i barely have a foothold to recover.

   If i were a girl, i'd reach out, and grab somebody, anybody, I need somebody to help me.

   But I'm a man. If i whine any further, it would border on unforgivable.

   I need. A brief respite. Not from physical training. Its kind of the only thing which makes me feel real now, though the pain.

   No, what i need is a break from life.

   And what I really, really need....